The Patrick Ewing Theory

- The hunt for Lebron is on and everywhere you turn people are trying to figure where he is going to land. If you ask me, it is a two man race, barely. Before I get into that, allow me to rule out all other contenders:

1. The Nets: Jay-Z may be the man, but playing for the Nets
sucks. What history do the Nets Have? None. Where do they play? New Fuckin' Jersey. They are not going to move to Brooklyn, and even if they did the Knicks would still be king in this city. Bottom line is, I had free Nets tickets two weeks ago and chose not to go because the team is sad and depressing, and they play in Newark.

2. The Bulls: There is no way in hell he is going to the Bulls. If he goes to NY he is a legend with one ring and can elevate from there. If he goes to the Windy City its 6 or bust.

3. Detroit: The D may not even exist anymore in 2010. They're savior better be Obama, not Lebron.

Lebron is going to stay in Cleveland or come on home to the Big Apple, and here is why I think he is heading to the bright lights of the city. This is something that has been brewing for a while, and I have been in a unique position to pick up on it, being that I play a central role. Let me break down for you the "Patrick Ewing Theory."

I have always been the world's biggest Patrick Ewing fan. Throughout my youth I watched every Ewing game possible, made my first AIM screen name was pbEWING33, and truly worshiped the mans every move. I have often contended that, during the short shorts era, when Ewing needed his dick taped to his leg, I would have certainly considered being an intern to the trainer. I'm not saying I'm gay, I'm just saying…

Little did I know that this was not a passion, but a destiny, a fanship spawned by the cosmos, designed by a power far greater then I shall ever know. Please, stay with me.

- Patrick Ewing wore number 33 during his years as a Knick. Many of you may recognize that number. That is because it is the age that Jesus was when he died to save the human race.

- Patrick Ewing was drafted in 1986, the same year I was born into this world, and more specifically into this great state of New York. Two New York stars bursting onto the scene at the same time, unknowingly set to change the basketball landscape forever. Together.

Now, if you have not followed, via the transitive property, I have an undeniable connection to Patrick Ewing, basketball God, and Jesus Christ, son of God.

- In the beginning of this millennium I went away to school out of the state of New York, the same year a deal was made with the Devil that sent Patrick Ewing to the Seattle Sonics, leading to the biblical fall from grace for the Knicks. The Knicks, a proud and graceful franchise, would be ruined by none other then Isaiah Thomas, whose name is no coincidence. If I may quote the bible:

"The land will be completely laid waste and totally plundered. The
LORD has spoken this word." (Isaiah 24:3).

Indeed, Thomas plundered the Knicks, leaving them desperate, desecrated, and in need of heavenly revival. Not yet fully grasping my personal significance in this apocalyptic collapse, I watched from a distance, my permanent residence remaining outside of the state of New York for the next seven or so years, as the dark shadow expanded over the Knick Empire.

- Mid 2008 I unknowingly made my triumphant return, or as some may say 'resurrection,' once again making The Big Apple my home. Almost immediately the miracles began:

The Seattle Sonics were immediately killed and their souls sent away to eternal damnation in Oklahoma City for what they had done to Ewing and the Knicks. If you need further evidence of this, notice the Knicks colors embedded in that disgusting uniforms the Thunder must wear as punishment.

Isaiah Thomas is finally and immediately canned after a tenure that dragged out so painfully long through blunder after blunder, that this theory is literally the only reasonable way to explain it.

Mike D'Antoni is brought in from the Suns, bring more then a metaphorical ray of light to the franchise. A new era is brought in, the Knicks are revived and winning, and within a mere 11 games cap space is cleared for the second coming: Lebron James. Indeed it was a plan far more elaborate and sacred then any of us could have ever imagined.

Now, I take no credit for this, I am merely a servant and a messenger, but it seems clear that the Theory of Ewing is real. Lebron may try and stay in Cleveland and test the will of the Lord. He may believe that a mortal "King" is more powerful than divine will, and if he does he will have to face the fate that awaits him. But I feel that he is smarter then that. I think he will realize his destiny to become the Second Coming of Patrick Ewing (sorry Patrick Ewing Jr.) and lead the Knicks to the Promise Land.


Getting Chris Bosh wouldn't hurt the decision making process either.